Tomorrow.

Call it pregnancy hormones, call it overreacting, call it mother’s intuition; call it whatever you’d like – tomorrow is a day that I am anxious about. 

Tomorrow is the day that I will drop Hadley off at Mother’s Day Out for 5 hours.  She will have art, music, snack, playtime outside, reading time, lunch and (Lord-willing) naptime all without me by her side. 

When I initially signed her up, I was in the trenches of the first trimester.  I was throwing up at least 5 times a day and could hardly get off the couch when I wasn’t getting sick.  Hadley hated when I was sick and I felt so guilty not being able to play and interact with her as much as I knew she needed.  Not knowing how long it would last, in an effort to ease my mom-guilt, I signed her up at a local church to have play-time twice a week.  At the time, I was convinced that it was absolutely the best thing for her.  She has always been a social butterfly.  She has always loved to play outside and meet new people and explore new places. 

Then we found a house to buy and sold our house.  And a slew of strange people have been in and out of her house, sometimes with us here, sometimes not.  And we walked through a number of other houses.  And talked about packing our things and moving them to a new place.  And even though Hadley can’t really communicate with us, she knows something is going on.  And ever since then, she hasn’t wanted to leave my side.  Not even Matt can comfort her.  Things that used to excite her like meeting someone new or the doorbell ringing suddenly send her into a panic and she cries and clings to me.  Tantrums happen at ever corner and she just seems sad. 

My bubbly, silly, outgoing little firecracker has turned into a clingy, shy, emotional momma’s girl.  And it’s tearing me up that we’ve committed to leave her at church for 5 straight hours, twice a week.   Yes, I know I could just pull her and not go tomorrow.  But we paid a deposit to sign her up and it seems like such a waste to not at least give it a try.  At least for tomorrow.

I’ve told her teachers that we have a lot going on at home, and to please just call me if she gets upset/inconsolable.  I would say that I’m praying it doesn’t come to that, but really, I’m praying for whatever is best for her.  Whatever outcome that is.  And I’m praying that I can be strong for her tomorrow.  Because if momma loses it, I know exactly how she’s going to react. 

So tomorrow, we’ll gather up her backpack, lunchbox and napmat and put on our brave faces.  And if you have a moment tomorrow, please pray that God would show me (clearly) what the best decision is for Hadley.